He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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