I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
