what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
