dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
