i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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