So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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