btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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