She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
