My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
