Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize