chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
