I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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