shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
