Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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