why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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