Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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