Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
