Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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