i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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