I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
