So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
