you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
