she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
