Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
