Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
