You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize