I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Randomize
