before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
