i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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