Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
