we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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