A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize