another moral hangover. fuck.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
