Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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