So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize