So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize