Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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