i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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