Don't make out with my wife yet
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
