They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
