ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
