you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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