Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
