Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
