I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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