I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
