I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
