I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My breasts were aching with rage.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
