I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
FUCK WHALES
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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