I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
