If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
