Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
it glows. i had to have it.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
