I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
