Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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