I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
