I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
