Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
