i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
