and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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